Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.
~Hebrews 11:1-3 New King James Version (NKJV)~
The past six years have been full of emotion and at times, heartbreaking confusion. In 2010, I left my husband of ten years and attempted to start a new life. I didn’t know what I needed, but I knew that it didn’t look like what I had. At some point during our relationship, it seemed that my husband had stopped loving me, so instead of trying to convince him that he did, I left. At this point, I sometimes wonder if he had ever started loving me.
I have had many friends come into my life and hang around for a while, but then either abruptly disappear or slowly fade out until all I was left with was the memory that once upon a time, there was someone there that I could talk to. I have a hard time understanding this because once someone is important to me; I have a hard time letting them be unimportant. This is true even when they have more than proven that their intentions toward me were nothing short of evil. It has never been clear to me whether this was to be attributed to a big heart or a tiny brain or maybe a combination of the two.
At times I look back over the relationships I’ve had and I wonder what it is about me that drives people away. I mean, I’ve heard that if your relationships consistently fail then you are most likely the common denominator that is causing the failure. It can’t be that there are so many people out there who have little to no capacity to truly love others, can it? The idea that I might be the flaw made me very uncomfortable for a very long time. Today, however, I believe that my inability to sustain something long-term is not necessarily related to something that is inherently unlovable about me inasmuch as it relates to the phase of life that I am in and where those I love appear to be. It’s most likely just a matter of timing and direction. For some, we are clearly on different paths. For others, we are simply at different places on the same path. Not good, not bad, just not right for either one of us.
If I’m honest with myself, I never really wanted to be married. I never wanted to be in that kind of relationship, but I let society tell me that I was too old to be single. I loved my husband, but when we were together, I was not healed enough from the trauma I’d been through as a young woman. I wasn’t trusting enough to share myself with anyone and being married wasn’t comforting in any way that was healthy. But I’ve been divorced for almost six years now and basically relationship-free for well over two years. It has become clear to me that the only relationship I want to focus on is my relationship with Christ. Sadly, it sometimes seems that even He is starting to dislike me. Now I know that this isn’t true, but it sure feels that way at times. In reality, it’s not that He doesn’t love me; it’s more like He is waiting for me to catch up. I was keeping good pace with Him for a bit, but for whatever reason (or reasons), I seem to have fallen back some. Whether I was exhausted by the battles I faced at the time or I just forgot where I was going remains to be seen. The question is, am I going to pick up the pace or sit by the side of the road and cry because I can’t see where He is? It’s not in my nature to sit anywhere and cry helplessly, so I guess I’d better get moving.
Take a breather when you need to, but never give up. He is still right there waiting for you even if He seems to be far away. The path is filled with obstacles and opportunities. Which will you choose to accept?
Walk in obedience to all that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess.
~Deuteronomy 5:33 New International Version (NIV)~