Do not gather my soul with sinners, nor my life with bloodthirsty men in whose hands is a sinister scheme, and whose right hand is full of bribes.

~Psalm 26:9-10~

I was reflecting on the process of my divorce and thinking about all of the opinions people had about what I should do and how I should treat my ex-husband during all of it.  Most people didn’t understand why I decided not to ask for certain things.  Many times, I heard, “But you’re entitled to that!”  Inside, however; I knew that I was entitled to nothing that God doesn’t give me.  To go about getting those things by purposely creating strife or hurting someone else does not a blessing make.  We cannot create our own blessings.  When we try and manipulate situations based on what other people have convinced us we need or want, we will always fall flat.  And we should.  That’s not God’s will for us.

In my marriage, we had always attempted to talk things out. We didn’t fight much, but when we did it was usually after a long internal struggle with an issue and with much interference from the outside.  At the end of it all, the things that tore us apart were clearly brought by the devil.  He saw that we were trying to reach out to God and before we were strong enough to fix what was wrong, it was over.  For as much as it doesn’t make sense, I feel that this was absolutely God’s will for our lives and that if it hadn’t been meant to end that way, then it would not have.  I struggled with the idea that I should get a divorce.  Of course, I had people on all sides saying that it was wrong and that I needed to go back and fix things.  These people meant well, but they weren’t hearing or experiencing what I was hearing and experiencing.  If I made a mistake, then I know God will forgive me.  My intention in divorcing was not to hurt, but to heal. 

It has been almost a year since I left and the process has not been an easy one.  There have been many challenges, most of which were overcome by faith in God and by reaching out to accept His grace.  But I had to set aside what I thought other people wanted me to do and just listen for God’s word.  In the process, I learned alot about myself and about the things which I had used as props to keep up a facade of happiness.  I also learned that the things I claimed my marriage was keeping me from were not necessarily things I wanted or needed in my life.  They were just more fuel for the fire.  Things are going well and I thank God for taking care of me through all of this.  There are times when I certainly wish things would have gone differently, but in reality I understand that I could not be the only one fighting for that kind of change.  If you are the only one who wants something to work, be prepared for a struggle.  When it is right, everyone involved will be working toward a common goal.  Instead of feeling as though you are in an “every man for himself” situation, you will feel like part of a team.  For this reason, I’m sure it will be a long time before I even think about trying this again if, in fact, I ever do. 

The point is that if God doesn’t want something in your life, you can’t just fight Him on it without having hardship and struggle.  This is why we need to remember who is in control.  It isn’t your husband, your mother, your sister, your best friend or even your counselor.  God is in control.  He knows the truth of your situation better than you do.  What we can’t or won’t admit to ourselves is already quite obvious to Him.  And there’s no need to try and cover it up or sugarcoat it.  He knows.  When you come to Him with a request that satisfies someone else’s plan for your life or even one of your own design, don’t expect that He will bow down to you and allow you to just do whatever it is YOU think is okay.  YOU are not God and YOU cannot do this without Him.  You only think you can because that’s what you’ve been told.   

Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications!  The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped; therefore, my heart greatly rejoices and with my song I will praise Him.

~Psalm 28:6-7~

Advertisements